An Ill-Defined Grief

Reflections on a seminar on Grief and Worship

Last week, I spent the week with worship leaders, scholars, song writers, and other practitioners talking about the intersection between grief and worship. The seminar was put on by the Calvin Institute of Worship with founding from the Lilly Foundation. It was led by Isaac Wardell, from The Porter’s Gate Worship Project and Dr. John Swinton, from the University of Aberdeen. I am grateful for the opportunity to connect with everyone and think deeply about grief and how we engage with grief in worship.

Part of the seminar was spent talking about the types of grief, and I am going to offer short definitions of them below, while discussing how we engage in its counterpart, and offer how we can better engage with grief through thick liturgical practices.

Thick and Thin Liturgical Practices

If you have not heard the term “thick” or “thin” liturgical practices, let me offer a short definition with some examples. A thin practice, for example, is congregational announcements where we are told information about the happenings at the church and events that are coming up. They are important, as they help build community and invite the congregation to engage deeply with the life of the Church. Yet, the announcements themselves are “thin.” They have maybe two layers of meaning and do not richly form the Church. “Thin” practices are part of Church but are not practices that we would deem meaningful to the gathering and we would still say that Church happened if the practice was skipped.

A “thick” practice of the Church has multiple layers of meaning and are essential to the Church. In my Anglican context, passing the peace would be a thick practice that could easily slip into being a thin practice. The thick practice is when we prepare ourselves for the Eucharist, making sure that we are in right communion with those in the Church before we partake in the Lord’s Table. It is meant to be a time of connection, reconciliation, and assurance of belonging to the family of God. It is meant to be a time of welcome and grace. That is the “thick” version. The “thin” version is when we all turn and shake hands with the people around us awkwardly or use the time merely as a social break in the service or liturgy. The “thin” version offers no reconciliation or grace while only offering polite gestures because the priest or pastor tells us to.

Ill-defined Grief

When dealing with grief in the Church, we often offer “thin” practices. We make motions at being connected or caring while not moving into the depth that could be plumbed. Below, I will offer a type of grief, show how we can engage with it thickly or thinly, and offer a better way forward. I say that I am offering a poorly defined grief because grief has many ways of playing out in our lives and I do not have the space or ability to be exhaustive. I want to start here so that we can have the conversation about how to better define grief in the Church and how to better engage with grief in the Church and our personal lives.

Before we get into the details and types of grief, let me offer a simple definition of grief. Grief is sitting in the presence of absence. It is the recognition that something once was and now is not. It is a feeling, an emotion, and a vibe. Grief is something that you feel in your body, heart, and mind. It can also be a sense that the world is no longer whole. Again, grief is noticing that something is missing and that by missing, the world is worse off. Finally, I want to postulate that grief is not possible without love. Without loving that which is missing, without the recognition of the good of the thing or person existing, grief is not possible. Expressing our grief is then a love song, sung about or to the absence.

Also, grief is not singular or linear. These types of grief all can coexist and intermingle or be felt one at a time. The feeling of them one at a time does not mean that it is a sequence which we move though. We can and do circle around and back to types of grief as we continue on our journeys.

Thirdly, grief does not have an end. Grief is always with us. It may wax and wane, but we never get over the love that we have lost. There are no replacements for the loss or the person which we are grieving. Instead of thinking about healing from grief, we should think about living with our grief and embracing it, understanding that grief is part of our lives.

Fourthly, everyone lives with grief. There is no such thing as a life free of grief. Grief is part of the human experience and there is no life that has not been touched by it. For some, the grief that they have encountered may seem small. It may be missing a small level of freedom in their daily lives, a change in routine, or a lifestyle change. Grief might be even over losing your favorite stuffed animal while on family vacation or ruining your favorite piece of clothing. Those seem small compared to the grief of losing a loved one to death, but they are nevertheless griefs.

Lastly, grief needs to be recognized and named. Sometimes it is difficult to get to the source of grief, but we should not be afraid to look at the grief and examine what is at the root of the grief. We need to understand what is missing and then name it. We should bear testimony to each other, telling ourselves and others what we are feeling and why we are feeling that way.

Again, that is a very basic definition of grief. It is not the most thorough or clinical definition, but it sets the stage for the types of grief we are discussing.

Types of Grief

1. Anticipatory Grief- Anticipatory grief is grief in relation to an event that has not happened yet but may happen, if only in our imaginations. It is presently grieving something that is in the future. Some examples of anticipatory grief are preparing to change jobs, move, hospitalization, or aging. These may be in the future, and the first two may be good things, but we still grief the future. In anticipation, we start to feel the absence. Even though I defined grief as being in the presence of absence, it feels weird to say that at the moment that there is an absence. Anticipatory grief is thinking about the absence and preparing oneself (personally or communally) for the absence.

   1. A thick practice- A thick practice is to prepare yourself for the loss in a meaningful way. One example is the traditional wedding vow that we will love each other in sickness and health until death do us part. In the vow, there is the vow of fidelity until the end through everything while also naming and recognizing that sickness will come and that health is not always going to be there. It is recognizing and naming that, most likely, one of the two people pledging their love to each other will die before the other.

   2. A thin practice- The wedding vow can be “thin” if we do not dwell on the parts that are uneasy. It is not seeing the fullness of meaning in the words that are being used. The more common “thin” practice around anticipatory grief is believing that there is no fidelity and that change will always happen, so it needs to be blindly accepted. One of the worst blithe statements that we can use is “You knew this day would come, so accept it.” or even worse, “when God closes a door, He opens a window.” Both negate the reality of the moment while appealing to a vague theological doctrine such as sin or God’s providence.

   3. A Practice to Start- We should practice thinking about what griefs are coming and start to name them. Naming our grief in advance does not take away the power of the event that is going to happen, but it helps build support around us so that we can have a community around us that supports us and bears our burdens. We should offer prayers about the future, even if that is only a possible future.

2. Complicated Grief- Complicated grief is grief that is, well, complicated. It is multifaceted and has layers. It is complicated because it is ongoing and often drawn out. The classic example is the death of a spouse\partner. Other examples are a drawn-out divorce or adoption process. It is not just that the grief continues, it is that the event continues to cause grief.

   1. Thick Practice- The Rabbit Room has published a volume of their Every Moment Holy on Death, Grief, and Hope. The liturgies inside have prayers for the dying, friends of the dying, those caring for people who are chronically ill, and for giving up hope for recovery. A thick liturgy would be incorporating prayers from these liturgies into the regular church service

   2. Thin Practice- Having one service a year for remembering the dead. It offers some outlet for grief but is usually only attended by certain members of the Church who have recently suffered a loss or have expressed interest. I do not have the numbers, but I would wager the attendance is less than a quarter of the congregation.

   3. A Practice to Start- Start offering intercessory prayer in every service for those that are going through complicated grief. It is more powerful to name the person and situation, but they must consent as it is their story to tell. You can tailor the prayers to the seasons of grief that you know people in the congregation is going through.

3. Disenfranchised Grief- Disenfranchised grief is grief that is not recognized or supported by society or the community that you are part of. Classic examples would be miscarriage, infertility, or chronic hidden illness. These examples highlight a grief that is less visible and more socially uncomfortable to speak about. It is difficult to talk about your mental health if a Church associates those with weakness or sin, which some do. Singleness can fall into disenfranchised grief due to the emphasis that is often placed on being married and having children can be in the Church.

   1. Thick Practice- A thick practice would be providing a space in the church, that is not hidden away, where people can publicly memorialize their grief by lighting a candle, writing it down, or leaving a visual representation of their grief.

   2. Thin Practice- Having one sermon, or a mere mention, of these griefs during the year.

   3. A Practice to Start- Remove some of the songs you sing and cultural liturgies you celebrate during the year while explaining why. Removing placing Mother’s Day and Father’s Day as focal events for services can recognize and validate people that are married and do not have kids, married with kid’s that have died, not married, or have problematic relationships with their children or offspring.

4. Collective Grief- Collective grief might be the most easily recognized. It is when something horrible and traumatic happens to multiple people in the same community. Examples that easily come to mind are terrorist attacks, school shootings, or a pandemic. Another example is a church split, the death of a parishioner, or loss of a leader. In conversations around grief, death is usually the example that springs to mind, but it could just be someone moving away.

   1. Thick Practice- Coupling a collective grief with an anticipatory grief, start praying for the community during the service when it becomes apparent that a change which will happen which while affect the community. Acknowledge the grief when the community starts to feel it and continue to acknowledge the grief as the community keeps it in their memory.

   2. Thin practice- Having a sending service for those leaving the community or a one-off special service after a communal traumatic event.

   3. A Practice to Start- Spend time in the service acknowledging collective grief and traumatic events even if they do not directly impact your community. Add in prayers for people who have suffered a natural disaster or a traumatic event. By praying for others, it helps people practice entering into grief and gives them the language to use when a collective trauma occurs in their community.

5. Traumatic Grief- Traumatic Grief can be connected to collective grief. Traumatic grief is grief over a traumatic happening, such as loss of health due to an accident, loss of limb, or brain injury. It is a loss that was violent, accidental, sudden, or unexpected.

   1. Thick Practice- Have people in your congregation trained to be with people during these times. Your congregation could be blessed to have a pastor or priest that specializes in visiting people in the hospital or have chaplains or counselors in their congregation. Or you can have laity that are gifted in being present. The church can practice visiting people in a time of need.

   2. Thin practice- Having a funeral and moving on from the traumatic event.

   3. A Practice to Start- Having funerals for every loss. You can have people bring manifestations of their loss, engage in a liturgy, and then bury or display these. It creates a way to engage with the loss and bring the community in, giving validity to feelings of loss that are not just death.

6. Secondary Grief- Secondary grief is grief that comes from grief. An example is grief over missing out on an activity due to a loss that you are already grieving over. It could be not being able to walk the dog because you broke your leg or cannot attend an event because it is inaccessible due to a condition or injury. Or it is trying to find something, like a family recipe, that was lost due to a house fire.

   1. Thick Practice- Building accessibility into your services. Making sure that people can attend the events your church has.

   2. Thin Practice- Offering your thoughts and prayers without offering your help to help a person engage in the events they are missing out on.

   3. A Practice to Start- Start or continue to focus your events on inclusiveness while practicing a sense of belonging.

7. Ambiguous Grief- Ambiguous Grief is grief over something or someone that is gone but still there. An example is being estranged from the community, whether it be due to social stigma, geographical distance, or incarceration. These people who are distant are not present with the community while also not being ultimately absent. It is also grief over someone that has given themselves over to addiction, or a personality\lifestyle change, or even dementia.

   1. Thick Practice- Naming those who are part of the family but who cannot be there in your membership. Acknowledge that our church is not just worshipping with the invisible church (those who are dead) but also joining in worship with those who cannot be there.

   2. Thin Practice- Oddly, a thin practice could be starting separate services for those who are in cognitive decline or in a different location, as that can highlight the distance between the people, which causes more grief.

   3. A Practice to Start- Focus on Belonging instead of just welcoming. Welcoming is feeling like you can be in the space, belonging is feeling missed when you are not in the space. The Church needs to foster a space of belonging that extends love to those who are not there and the ones who are not there feel the love from the distance.

That is my brief ill-defined types of grief. Is there a type that I missed? Is there a thick or thin practice that should be mentioned? What does your worshipping community do for these griefs?